When do affairs start, and how do you stop them?
Affairs don’t start in the bedroom. Unquestionably, they start in a quiet, indecisive drift, such as the conversation that feels a little more intimate than it should. A text message that has an emoji that you would never usually use, to someone you just know. Or a comforting thought that somebody has finally seen you.
As Esther Perel points out, cheating is more about finding a new person than it is about finding a new self. It’s not always because they’re bored or mean; sometimes it’s because they want to feel alive, be recognised, or connect with someone emotionally that has faded in the relationship.
The quiet beginnings
Most of the time, affairs start out as normal, everyday things instead of big, dramatic ones. A coworker listens with interest, a friend shares something private, and an old flame reconnects online. The emotional boundary between “you and I” starts to blur.
Perel calls this the space where curiosity meets secrecy. It’s an energised space because it’s hidden. We might think it’s harmless, but the secrecy itself can make it addictive very quickly.
Usually, by the time a couple figures out what’s going on, the affair has gone from being emotionally intimate to being physically intimate. But the real break happened much earlier, when openness gave way to private fantasy and when home stopped feeling like a place of life.
Why connection is the first step to prevention
Connection is the best way to stop affairs, not spying or being paranoid. Couples who do well aren’t the ones who never notice other people; they’re the ones who keep turning to each other when life pulls them apart.
Simple daily rituals, like talking over coffee in the morning, talking without screens before bed, or setting aside time for intimacy once a week, hold people together. They tell each partner that they still matter, even when things are crazy.
This is backed up by research done by John and Julie Gottman. Their research indicates that trust is cultivated through brief instances of “turning towards,” where one partner initiates contact and the other responds, albeit momentarily. Every time that happens, a small deposit is made in the relationship’s “emotional bank account,” which makes it stronger against temptation.
Before they get worse, naming the risks
Being honest about risk is also a part of prevention. Long hours at work, feeling neglected emotionally, being lonely, or feeling angry can all lead to external attachment. Putting these feelings into words instead of hiding them takes away their power.
Couples who are healthy talk about attraction openly, not as accusations but as information. This is a sign that something in the relationship may need to be looked at.
Perel says, “An affair can be a tragedy that destroys or a crisis that changes.”
Couples are much less likely to look for their needs elsewhere when they learn to stay interested in their own and each other’s needs, like for new experiences, appreciation, or freedom.
Affairs may start in the dark, but stopping them happens in the light: through honesty, kindness, and being emotionally present every day. Partners keep their love alive and stay connected to what really matters when they look at what’s missing instead of who’s to blame.
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