Back when I was an engineer, we used to have an expression:  When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail.

 

If you have a strong personality, one could say you have a hammer approach. You may approach every problem head-on: Like a hammer, when others may take a more considered or gentle way of approaching delicate situations. If this is your problem then the 3T’s may help you.

 

Temper: When you are angry, upset, troubled or annoyed, you are more likely to make a big deal out of something that is quite insignificant.  Furthermore, the decibel level is more likely to rise in response. The general rule here when your reaction is worse than the offence, difficulty generally increases. Conversely, when your reaction is less than the action, the offence, usually decreases.

 

Timing: Just like one would have to act quickly, to get someone to a hospital who was injured or in a life-threatening position, if you don’t apologise, setting things right with someone you may have offended or upset, the relationship can be lost. Just as acting quickly is important when someone is injured it is equally as important when you have emotionally hurt somebody through your own careless act or words. Lady Dorothy Neville once said, “the real art of conversation is not saying the right thing at the right time, but leaving unsaid the wrong thing at a tempting moment”.

 

The total picture:  A man walked into a chemist, and asked the pharmacist behind the counter do you have anything for a headache. The pharmacist reached across to a shelf took down a packet of dissolvable aspirins, unpacked one, dissolve one of the pills in some water and gave it to the man. The man quickly drank the water with the pill in it and said thank you very much but it’s not me with a headache, it’s my wife, who is Outside in the car. If you’re inclined to jump to conclusions slow yourself down in doing this you’re more likely to get the whole picture

The singer Seal once sang loneliness as the killer. In this blog, we discussed just how detrimental loneliness can be to us as human beings.

In the UK to date, there are approximately 800,000 people living on their own. Their isolation may be by design, necessity, or loss of a loved one through bereavement, or the breakup of a relationship. In addition unseen factors such as a shifting workforce, and working from home which has become more prevalent in the UK today. All of which can be contributing factors to people feeling more isolated and lonely.

Certainly, loneliness is on the increase within society.   In parallel with these facts and figures, how does loneliness affect  human beings? In a recent article, in New Scientist magazine written by journalist Moya Sharner. Sharner,  talks about the effects of loneliness. Firstly, how loneliness changes the neural network within the brain. A particularly interesting point raised in the article is research carried out by Dr John Cacioppo of the University of Chicago suggesting  that the human psyche is wired to be gregarious and isolation and loneliness is contrary  to our human nature.

Dr Cacioppo’s research suggests that loneliness changes the way that we interact with others; effectively, causing us to become more isolated. Not only are the effects of loneliness neurological there are also physiological effects. Researchers discovered, that, loneliness, if left to continue, can have a social psychological effect on society and be as detrimental to public health as smoking or obesity. Prof Stephen Cole of the University of California, Los Angeles studied the effects of environment on our genes effectively what Dr Coles discovered was that loneliness “can be the most environmentally damaging condition we as human beings can encounter.”(Sharner, 2017)

 

An interesting fact to emerge from Dr Cacioppo’s research is that loneliness is more of a subjective experience, rather than being on your own. Loneliness has little to do with having few friends or no friends or being socially isolated; loneliness is more the felt sense. Dr Cacioppo will have a sense of feeling less than the people around him, beings surrounded by people has nothing to do with the feeling of loneliness.

It has been known for some time, that people who are physically alone, often, have bad health but Cacioppo team has now discovered that the feeling of being isolated can be just as detrimental to physical health.

A meta-analysis carried out using information from 150 studies uncovered that poor quality of social relationships can have the same negative effects on health as smoking, alcohol or obesity. In fact; loneliness increases early mortality rates by something like 26% according to Cacioppo’s research. Dr Cacioppo commented that “loneliness is about the same as living with chronic obesity.”(Sharner, 2017).

Cacioppo’s team was to hypothesise that one of the behaviours lonely people have is depressed willpower. Cacioppo’s team found that people are more likely to indulge in self-defeating or negative behaviour; such as, choosing a bad diet avoiding exercise; thus increasing their sense of social isolation thus all of which have drastic side-effects regarding increasing risk of mental health problems such as anxiety depression and eating disorders.

Another point raised by joint research carried out by both Coles and Cacioppo’s team’s was that of how loneliness affects the immune system. The research pointed to an increase in information within people who are disenfranchised and lonely.; Inflammation has been linked to cancer, depression and Alzheimer’s disease.

 

In subsequent blogs we will be looking at the effects of loneliness and how social media has a role to play in people’s feeling of social isolation. Look out for the next blog.

 

 

 

 

Reference

 

Sharner, M. (2017). New Scientist. [Well-being]. Loneliness in the crowd (22 July 2017), 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35.

 

If modern soap operas are anything to go by, and if as we think of them as our window on our own lives and the lives of others. A week does not seem to go by in soap land before there is some form of infidelity.

Moreover, faithfulness in marriage and the idea of having a faithful marriage is being challenged not only by the media, soap operas but also in popular culture. We often see portrayed in the press, and the entertainment industry that the idea of infidelity is an enjoyable game for two but, unfortunately, there is a downside.

Often, when the affair has run its course, and the realisation of  the pain and suffering it has caused not only to the two people involved in the relationship but also the individuals who are left at home, the ones who love them and depend on them.

Let’s look at what marriage can mean. After the initial thrill, the couple settled down to the mundane things of life, the cooking and cleaning the earning a living often people will think the grass is greener. But this lawn has to be regularly cut as well.

Often, when one is dating we see the best of each other, but the realisation of marriage and getting on with each other can be an irritating experience, often like those annoying habits were the same things irritated you when you’re with your ex-wife or ex-husband now irritate you with your new partner.

Often you hear discontent people saying that marriage feels confining; often an individual will rile against this, moving from one relationship to another, in a confused and often vain attempt at finding an answer, to a question they often don’t know.

 

The challenge here is instead of looking for the right person, finding the right person to the person you have in front of you. One of the surprises can often be finding the qualities you’re looking for in the person you’re actual with you fell in love with a long time ago. Very often the qualities have always been there, but you’ve chosen to overlook them.